I'm often cracking jokes on this forum but, I do have a serious moral dilemma on my hands.
(Please let me know if this subject matter is a little dark and I will remove it from the forum).
I won't go into the history of my past relationship, but it was with a person who, didn't treat me well. Though he had many issues of his own, much of his behaviour was inexcusable and nothing could validate the unjustified treatment I received from him. I was left traumatised for quite a while (1.5 years post-break-up to be exact) and sought out therapy in order to recover from all the things that happened. Another form of therapy for me was poetry. I wrote most of my poems about him after I received closure from the relationship, so there are a number of poems that range being saccharine, romantic, bitter, angry, sorrowful and reflective.
Recently, his demons got the better of him and he passed away. I have written more heartfelt poems about losing him since, but in actuality and in a nutshell, this was me feeling conflicted, and grieving a second time around for him. I am ok now, because I needed to come to terms with the fact that this wasn't a good relationship, at all.
I will preface by saying that I have never mentioned his name in my poetry, nor have I heavily alluded to who he is, but it is the kind of poetry that his family or close friends would recognise to be about him, should they ever come across the poems (especially if they know I wrote them). Full disclosure- they have no idea I was being abused in that relationship. My ex went out of his way to hide who he was from his family, and didn't want me maintaining contact with them either.
I like his family. They're lovely people and I wish them nothing but the best. They were always very warm towards me and I really don't want to upset them should I decide to post these poems somewhere. But it is also more than fair to say my experiences were valid. I can't sugar-coat the person he was, nor should I undermine my experiences. I really didn't want to be tormented like this for no reason, but alas, I was. So I turned my pain into art.
I have even considered altering my poems to either conceal his identity even more (i.e. not allude that I was as close to him as I really was) or removing lines about the particulars of his appearance. I think I will end up altering the poems slightly, but I am not sure what to do regarding lines where he was being intentionally very cruel. For me, it is important to address the extent of how vicious some people can be. And it was therapeutic for me to record it, on a personal level.
What would you do?
Sometimes poetry can help us work out our own inner demons. Clearly this person has left a mark on your life. You also state that he is dead. He will never know what you write about him, but his family (with whom you have no quarrel) will.
I agree with the advice to leave out his name and identity. When we write poems, we want to speak to the people around us and connect in that way. Keeping this inspiration's identity to yourself will help to promote that aspect. It will also spare his family, which I believe you would wish.
This is not to say that you should not write about this. Clearly it is something that you as a poet wish to address and I applaud your courage to tackle this subject. There are many abused people out there who will value your insight and perhaps gain insight from your words. Be steadfast. Write what you heart tells you to.