I'm often cracking jokes on this forum but, I do have a serious moral dilemma on my hands.
(Please let me know if this subject matter is a little dark and I will remove it from the forum).
I won't go into the history of my past relationship, but it was with a person who, didn't treat me well. Though he had many issues of his own, much of his behaviour was inexcusable and nothing could validate the unjustified treatment I received from him. I was left traumatised for quite a while (1.5 years post-break-up to be exact) and sought out therapy in order to recover from all the things that happened. Another form of therapy for me was poetry. I wrote most of my poems about him after I received closure from the relationship, so there are a number of poems that range being saccharine, romantic, bitter, angry, sorrowful and reflective.
Recently, his demons got the better of him and he passed away. I have written more heartfelt poems about losing him since, but in actuality and in a nutshell, this was me feeling conflicted, and grieving a second time around for him. I am ok now, because I needed to come to terms with the fact that this wasn't a good relationship, at all.
I will preface by saying that I have never mentioned his name in my poetry, nor have I heavily alluded to who he is, but it is the kind of poetry that his family or close friends would recognise to be about him, should they ever come across the poems (especially if they know I wrote them). Full disclosure- they have no idea I was being abused in that relationship. My ex went out of his way to hide who he was from his family, and didn't want me maintaining contact with them either.
I like his family. They're lovely people and I wish them nothing but the best. They were always very warm towards me and I really don't want to upset them should I decide to post these poems somewhere. But it is also more than fair to say my experiences were valid. I can't sugar-coat the person he was, nor should I undermine my experiences. I really didn't want to be tormented like this for no reason, but alas, I was. So I turned my pain into art.
I have even considered altering my poems to either conceal his identity even more (i.e. not allude that I was as close to him as I really was) or removing lines about the particulars of his appearance. I think I will end up altering the poems slightly, but I am not sure what to do regarding lines where he was being intentionally very cruel. For me, it is important to address the extent of how vicious some people can be. And it was therapeutic for me to record it, on a personal level.
What would you do?
Sometimes poetry can help us work out our own inner demons. Clearly this person has left a mark on your life. You also state that he is dead. He will never know what you write about him, but his family (with whom you have no quarrel) will.
I agree with the advice to leave out his name and identity. When we write poems, we want to speak to the people around us and connect in that way. Keeping this inspiration's identity to yourself will help to promote that aspect. It will also spare his family, which I believe you would wish.
This is not to say that you should not write about this. Clearly it is something that you as a poet wish to address and I applaud your courage to tackle this subject. There are many abused people out there who will value your insight and perhaps gain insight from your words. Be steadfast. Write what you heart tells you to.
"Also take into consideration for a moment what makes these poems strong". This seems to be the common denominator among the comments, and it is something worth reflecting on because I haven't asked myself that question yet. I do think it is a fantastic idea to change the features, or create metaphors out of his physical appearance. It will not remove the intention of my poems nor dilute the intensity of the subject matters, yet it will leave things a bit ambiguous for the readers. Thank you everyone. I needed a little guidance with this one.
Marc and Yvonne make very valid points. To answer the big question of "do I eliminate certain aspects of the poems" is stemming from a place of protecting the identity of the person you mentioned, I would suggest staying true to the direction you want the poems to go, including the originality of the poems. Also take into consideration for a moment what makes these poems strong.
I personally wouldn't sacrifice the meaning of your poetry for the sake of protecting someone you don't plan on being committed to anymore. At the end of the day it comes down to your own level of comfortability. I would consider removing names if they exist, or clear identifiers, but those are easily remedied by giving the character a different name and description entirely.
So if he had brown hair, simply change it to blonde instead. Same with any other kind of feature. You could even mask it in metaphor if need be, or even personification for that matter. There are many approaches you could take.
If describing his features doesn't add to meaning, or if leaving it out doesn't result in a loss of meaning, to poem don't include it. That some of the dilemma but not all. For the rest I agree with
Hi Shen
I would always follow my heart. I believe we all know what is the right thing to do but often our brains start to add all of theses 'what ifs'. While this is great and can help us evaluate situations, IMO the best bet is to follow your gut feeling in this.